| Author's program note. Years ago there was a television program called "Queen for a Day" where some perfectly average Jane or Betty was selected by host Jack Bailey and got herself pampered for a memorable day she would never forget. Frankly, this is what we all need and, sad to say, the program is long gone. Being the focus of an episode of "This is your life" (host Ralph Edwards) would have worked, too, but that also bit the dust in 1972; otherwise I'd recommend you as their next guest right this minute. Yikes! Where the number of opportunities for showcasing you should be rising, in fact they have plummeted and that is very much the problem... and the reason for this ultra-necessary article. To get this process underway I have selected one of Hollywood's most soaring scores... it's "Conquest" by Alfred Newman, commissioned for the 1947 film "Captain from Castile" starring one of the great stars of the silver screen.... Tyrone Power. It's music in the grand tradition... and it brightened the lives and put zip in the step of all who heard it. Since I was born in '47, I like to think my mother was humming it in the delivery room. It certainly suits me. Go to any search engine now and marinate yourself in its uplifting exuberance. Like I've been trying to tell you; you deserve it. Got it on? Now we must craft an event worthy of the music... and of you! You are not unwanted.... you are not unconsidered... but you are most assuredly uncelebrated and unheralded. And (let's be brutally frank with each other) that irritates, irks, and galls you, doesn't it, well doesn't it? You work incredibly hard to keep home, hearth and happiness together, and you want more than the occasional peck on the cheek, more than the Hallmark card with its pre-written message of banality and over ripe sentimentality. Yes, you want more... more than the once-a-year visit to the waffle house for Mother's Day... or the lackluster seasonal greetings for Father's Day. You want more.... you deserve more... and now with me as your self-appointed but supremely necessary Wizard-in-Chief, you shall have more. The Plan. You have been patient long enough. I think you know, too, further patience won't deliver the love-in that you desire. You do know this, right? So, it's time for a radical change of ideas and a brand-new plan... what celebrated author Grace Paley called "enormous changes at the last minute." In short we mean to take business as usual and... trash it. Capiche? If not, I can assure you you'll have an "aha!" moment shortly. Start from the proposition that no one (now that Bailey and Edwards and all their ilk are gone) is going to organize a day (or even two) in your honor, much less possess the skills to conceive, craft, and consummate it. As my beloved Grammy used to say, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." You know it's true, so don't pine too long over the fact that all the significant others in your life (spouse, children, bowling buddies et al) went missing on this matter... just be glad it's happening at all. And turn up the volume on "Conquest" for we are already behind in getting you just what you've waited for and wanted for, oh, so long. The " to-do" llst. * We need a date. And, dear friend, soonest... for if you put this off you will never do it! * A venue. If you're broke (as millions most assuredly are in our thread-bare days), then it will have to be at your residence. Nothing wrong with that. The oldest of olde English adages is "A man's home is his castle." In these days of gender equality, the same must be said for "a woman's home." Got a few bucks? Then rent a function room at a local hotel. Remember, it's your day; it doesn't happen every day, and you should approach it accordingly. However, either way, you must have a place you can be proud of... for you can be sure your great event will attract shutter-bugs of every age. * Enlist some help... your best friend Trudy or Bill will do nicely. Your best friend already knows your oddities and idiosyncrasies, so this idea won't unhinge them. They'll just chuckle and say, "You, dog, you..." And wishing they'd thought up the idea, give you a hand. You'll need it. When you're finished with these tasks, get down to business. * Tackle the guest list. Just who do you want to attend? Remember, these events can range from long overdue soirees with just you and your significant other... to a "Hail to the Chief" event at the White House. It depends on what you well and truly want... and will work for. Either way you'll need a guest list. Make sure to include that Ms. Nastiness of the accounts department. Sure you hate her guts.... but that's the point. Think how envious she'll be when the boss hands you an award and a bushel of compliments. It'll be worth all the snide comments she'll surely make... But, she's making those already. * About the award. You probably don't know this (it's just one reason why I'm such a valuable member of your support team) but EVERY government body -- local, state, federal -- has a drawer full of them... waiting just for your name and particular achievement to enter. My walls are full of them, and why should yours continue to be empty when it just takes knowing how to arrange matters to give them a very different look... again to the monumental chagrin of Ms. Nastiness. Have your helper send a note like this to the governor of your state, for instance. It reads so: "I am writing to let you know that one of our state's true treasures -- your name -- is finally being recognized for a lifetime of unsung service. Her many friends are holding a recognition event on (date) and would welcome your attendance, to say a few words and present a certificate. We await your positive answer and thank you for your consideration." Just how difficult are these citations to get? Well, the day before my brother married a beautiful Oklahoma girl, my mother and I went to the capital building to see what we could see and learn the lore. It dawned on me I'd like to give them a special present at the rehearsal dinner that night. In three hours I had one from the State of Oklahoma, signed by its governor (on a Friday afternoon, mind). "Next time" said his excellency's efficient secretary as she handed it to me, "give us more time", but as my brother and his bride are still happily yoked, I have not had further occasion to heed this advice. But it should be of benefit to you. Your entry... your apotheosis. Now it's time to consider what you'll wear, the cunning 'do that'll amplify your thinning locks... the limousine that must transport you and where to get sufficient flower petals that will rain down upon you in an entrance worthy of Norma Desmond. My unerring advice: within the parameters of your budget, do not stint. The objective is to augment your reputation and acknowledge a lifetime of often unknown services, without bankrupting you. But in one thing you must be truly lavish: the way you look, acknowledge -- and in due course personally thank -- all your guests. And here the ascending music of "Conquest", fit for any sovereign, must be played... for when you hear it, you will be at last what you have for a lifetime desired to be: the apple of every eye, at last "the fairest of them all." From the moment your chariot arrives (though it may only be a beat-up VW) wave, smile and wave again, the very personification of joy and largesse to all, a monarch indeed, if only for the passing hour. Oh, yes, one more thing: the toast to you. Write it yourself, for only you know what it should say and which of your many merits should be acclaimed. How I shall enjoy saying these things about you knowing how well you deserve them... |
