 by Dr. Jeffrey Lant Author's program note. I became 66 just the other day and since I arranged everything back in November, as early as I could, my first check was automatically deposited in my checking account the beginning of March, about three weeks after my birthday. So far so good... However, I didn't get just the payment I was expecting. I also received, by mail, a very official looking package marked OPEN IMMEDIATELY in bright red letters. "This is your guide to Social Security and senior living. Your complete attention is requested." Well, they certainly had mine... and it was the work of a moment to follow the instructions of the government which always insists upon instant compliance; never mind their response could be glacial. "Don't share these contents with anyone. This is for your eyes only." Ok, I knew that the government is full of security freaks so even this admonition, while odd, wasn't something entirely new; just more of the same old. But the next section was new and different indeed. It was headed "Music to listen by." And the tune recommended was a very popular number, music by Sammy Fain, lyrics by Lew Brown. It first appeared in the movie "Vogues of 1938", actually released in 1937. It was first recorded by Shep Fields and His Rippling Rhythm Orchestra and swept its way into our hearts. It was "That Old Feeling" and over 100 different recordings were made by one major star after another, tripping over themselves to record their own version. My personal favorites are by Louis Armstrong... and Ray Anthony's smooth instrumental version, the one America danced to. You'll find them in any search engine. Remarks from the Honorable The Secretary of Aging. Good day fellow Old Person. I hope you enjoyed the fine song composed by Sammy Fain; it always tugs at my heart. It is timeless elegance. The words by Lew Brown are something else again. "I saw you last night and got the old feeling/ When you came in sight, I got that old feeling." Aging, as you've probably already begun to understand, should not be about endless regrets about what you can no longer do but rather how to maximize the daily dwindling time and resources still at your disposal. We at the Department of Aging have prepared these occasionally light-hearted recommendations for your benefit. 1) Youth needs discretion. Aging should let fly, the chips falling where they may. For your entire life you've been expected, even commanded to be discrete and always careful about what you said and how you said it. BUT NO MORE. Sugar pie, you are on your way to the Grim Reaper. If you've got something to say, say it and don't restrain yourself in any way, shape or form. No waiting, no consideration of others required or expected. 2) Discuss your creepiest concerns in front of the young folks. It'll be good for them. Chances are when you were growing up, your parents used to discuss the "adult" topics behind closed doors, like Aunt Heidi's painful disintegration and how fast she was approaching Canaan Land. Well, not any more. Let it all hang out. It'll get the kids off their text messaging devices and capture their complete attention. Remember to remind them from time to time that they're on the same road, just with some extra miles in front of them. Hallelujah! 3) Always, yes always, take your false teeth out and put them in again in public. You paid good money for these beauties and your technique for removal and insertion has no doubt been much admired. Let the folks get a good close look. Doing it while at table is particularly recommended for maximum effect. 4) Discuss all urinary and evacuation problems. They're natural functions after all. Lead the way to a healthy discussion of everything that goes in... and everything that goes out... and how. Your neighbors (particularly the ones under sixty) may tsk tsk and pooh pooh, but you're a pathfinder; your more timid friends and neighbors need you to show the way to a universe where no one is stifled and no subject goes undiscussed for false delicacy. We have fun at the Department of Aging helping... YOU! 5) Keep a list of all your ailments and bring folks up to date in exhaustive detail. Make sure to provide regular updates, briefings with photos and helpful ancillary details. Don't stint! This is the time to be the belle of the ball, the cynosure of every eye, never mind you can't dance and your eyesight is murky. 6) Keep the details handy on your burial plans. As you brainstorm all the possibilities, share them. Remember, you only expire once. Under such circumstances, the universal wailing and woe that accompanies your extinction, it's easy to get things wrong, and it just won't do to botch this occasion; I'm sure you agree. Thus, lay out all your plans and invite frequent discussion on every aspect. Too, hold a dress rehearsal, so you'll be sure to know not only how you'll look but to ensure all visitors and guests are role perfect when necessary. WARNING! Having extolled the virtues of being open , informing and revealing, there is an important aspect of aging on which you can never be sufficiently silent. even secret, and that is your will. Having a will, even if you have absolutely nothing to dispose is of the utmost significance. Why? Because with a will you can keep your expectant relations (especially the ones you never cared for) dancing cheerful and constant attendance on you, subservient to your every caprice and whim... and how joyful that will be. Start perfecting the art of insinuation, for getting full joy from the matter depends on such mastery. However just think of all the fun you'll have messing with the people's minds once you've got it. Enjoy! Last Words. It is absolutely crucial that you keep this bulletin and all its vital advice secret. You know as well as I do the government and all its politically correct time-servers, would kill this pronto if they ever found out. Thus we must ask you to hide this and consult it only in secret, for such honesty from Washington is deemed dangerous, when the truth is wondrous to behold and absolutely liberating. Now to end, turn up "That Old Feeling" and experience the delicious joy of being aged, shrewd, manipulative and in control, and remember that "old feeling is still in my heart" and always will be... no matter how old you are. |
