|  by Dr. Jeffrey Lant
Author's Program Note. In the 1980 film "9 to 5", Dolly Parton sings the title song. Of course it is an attack on "the boss" in memorable lines like this: "Nine to five, for service and devotion You would think that I Would deserve a fair promotion Want to move ahead But the boss won't let me I swear sometimes that man is out to get me." When I saw the film the head of every Sally and Sam in the audience was rhythmically nodding in unbreakable solidarity... the boss was a schmuck... and that was that. Pity the poor CEO. If these are the sentiments directed at every boss in every business on this planet, then you can be sure these sentiments may be multiplied by many times when directed at the Chief Executive Officer, THE Boss, the biggest cheese. El Jefe Maximo, a person universally known as fake, incompetent, probably immoral, certainly amoral, a disaster for the company, vastly overpaid and already richer than Croesus by squeezing the last drop of blood and service out of every employee, especially those whose ideas he steals with alacrity, impunity, and a demented grin for the credit and enhanced compensation such Machiavellian dexterity always delivers. Thus CEO, the culprit of the enterprise, a personage causing universal grief, outrage, embarrassment, and of course, secret envy from aggrieved personnel who would assume the toxic burden and every affronting characteristic, criticism and derogatory comment without thinking twice, even if it involved garroting their own mother. It is in defence of this sitting target that I, CEO for over 18 years and counting, rise and must speak, for although there is much grandeur in his lofty position and the luxurious lifestyle many millions a year can deliver, there is no one who knows the true value and significance of CEOs than one who is one himself. He knows! And must therefore speak out of experience augmented by joy at the opportunity to sustain and laud his corporate peers, since so much said about them is inaccurate, mean-spirited, venomous, petty, painful, hurtful, distorted, unhelpful, biased, malicious, erroneous, mischievous, balderdash and complete rubbish... but you get the picture. Insight one for CEOs of every age, temperament, disposition, and success. Each and every one of your employees, directors, agents, representatives, et al knows (not just supposes) that he could run the company better than you, the sitting duck with the mahogany desk and assured parking place, even if blind folded, one hand tied behind his back, and baboons as department heads. Oh, yes, and double profits, increase salaries and circle corporate headquarters with a riot of Christian Dior roses. So there! Exhibit Number One, Your Honor. There is a reason I am writing this article today rather than wasting my limitless corporate subsidized time on the golf course, which is universally known as a den of the most expensive and rare executive iniquities. That is a stinker of a letter I received the other day from one of my company's representatives. Now the contents and commentaries found at their most prolix profusion were in no way new , viz. the author of the letter summed me up as a bumbler, stupid, arrogant, supercilious, out of touch, brain dead... and that was just for openers. The rest of the condemnatory barrage was unprintable, even in these lax days. No, I'd heard that all before. Even the misspellings were unoriginal and pedestrian. No, what made this epistolary stink bomb so notable was the time I received it... the very day I was receiving special recognition upon the completion and implementation of an innovative system for the assistance of individuals, organizations,enterprises, companies, and corporations which needed timely, professional copy for their blog sites. Much time, energy, imagination and intelligence had gone into creating what was acknowledged by experts to be brilliant. And because of the project's importance to our company and world, there was to be special recognition for me, the lead sled dog. Thus gathered the poobahs of our organization in gay regalia in good voice and good temper to sing hallelujah... all but the individual who chose this moment, of all moments, to expostulate about my many defects, on the day one of the signal achievements of my life was acknowledged. Deliberately hurtful, or just bad luck? There is a question here I would like an answer to, but shall probably never get: Why was this punishing letter deliberately sent at that specific time to blot a grandly festive day... or was the delivery time accidental, a coincidence? This is a factor in evaluating the matter... but does not, of course, fundamentally change it. No matter. What does matter is the following list of crucial things you must know and do, things which the sender of the badly conceived e-mail letter needs to know -- and begin implementing at once: 1) Even if you are as "mad as hell", and especially if you are master of a slashing prose style, leave anything you write to your CEO for your tempered evaluation 24 hours after writing. You'll most likely be glad you did. A stitch in time, saves nine! 2) Whatever communications you sent to your CEO should be respectful of tone, brief, put as positively as possible and as professionally as possible. Every purplish prose patch must be deleted at once and completely. Remember, this is your CEO you're contacting. Unless you have a death wish, tread warily and conservatively. 3) Couch all communications as problems to be solved, not voluble attacks to hurt and inflame. Problem solvers get promoted. Attackers get no such consideration. 4) Consider whether raising the issue now is the best possible time for progress and resolution. Timing is everything. 5) NEVER make the issue personal. That is always the worst possible way to secure CEO attention, CEO action, CEO assistance. And remember this, a pearl of wisdom from Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), when you attack the prince, you must kill the prince, or the prince will kill you. A CEO saying "me recordo" (I remember) may not be a prince available to assist you when you need his services, for the prince is human... very human indeed. Thus, to my final and most important reflection: the CEO is the designated leader of your company. He has a right to expect your respect, your support, your courtesy, your wisdom and your help, as he leads you to the promised land -- "Waitin' for the day your ship'll come in/And the tide's gonna turn/ And it's all gonna roll your way." |
