| by Dr. Jeffrey Lant Author's program note. I am writing this article to launch an international movement in favor of uncles, good people, solid, loyal, lovable and (as in my case) quite good looking, too. But for all these substantial qualities we hold a place of insufficient importance... and after more than 20 years of being an uncle I am so irritated that I must now take stern remedial action. I know that all you uncles amongst my readers are already nodding your heads in full and sage agreement, and why not? Consider Uncle Fester in the Addams Family, the satirical invention of Charles Addams. The family was featured in The New Yorker magazine (beginning in 1938), on television (from 1964 in different incarnations), films etc. One of its characters, the most important as far as I am concerned, is Uncle Fester. And I want to make it perfectly clear that informing you how his character was manhandled and disrespected makes me just livid with rage. Originally Uncle Fester was Morticia's uncle... Then this relationship was changed by fiat. Uncle Fester became Gomez' older brother. Between the first fact and the second, producers decided that Uncle Fester had not seen his family for 25 years; and who can blame him with his relations caring so little about his proper genealogy, negligent, unconcerned whether it was right or wrong, accurate or inaccurate. See what I mean? This is standard treatment for uncles... and is why this article is so long overdue. To put us in the right mood of chagrin, disappointment, irritation and smoldering rage, I have selected as the incidental music for this article, the theme song from the first Addams Family television series. You can find it in any search engine; go find and play it now. You will notice, and must keep strongly in mind, how little prominence Uncle Fester is given. Why Morticia's smirk gets more, not to mention Gomez' goofy look. Outrageous. Mea culpa. I wish to take this opportunity to apologize, yes, in disquieting specificity, to all my uncles, for I have had several. I acknowledge I hardly knew a single thing about any of them. This was, of course, due to my parents' laxity; uncles were afterthoughts, if that... Thus we placed absolutely minimal value on uncles as a class as well as particular uncles. I feel that the only way I can get on to the important business of elevating the stature of each and every uncle in the land is by stark confession; then humbling myself, admitting that I not only knew nothing about each and every uncle, whether born into the various branches of my extensive family or married into it; and cared less. In my defense, when I was a mere lad, I was not inventing social hierarchies; I was, however, observing them. Uncles in my family got absolutely minimum attention; they were seen infrequently, greeted with off hand, patently insincere exclamations, never thought of, opinions tolerated (but never asked or regarded); relations, true, but utterly insignificant in every way. Now an uncle myself being so treated, I wish to apologize here and now to the uncles in my mother's family (Uncle Royal, Uncle Bob, Uncle Donald) and the uncles in my father's family (Uncle Joe, Uncle Dwight, Uncle Ray). Each and every one of them is under the daisies and beyond recall. It wasn't entirely my fault, gents, but I learned to treat you with anything other than respect, civility, and as an esteemed family member in affectionate good standing. And if the truth be told, everyone in the Great Republic should probably confess as much here and now, so we can move beyond this notable and probably universal injustice. After all, if we do not make amends to the uncles ignored in their lives and immediately forgotten at death, how could we dare ask better treatment for ourselves? I begin to be aware of what being an uncle is all about... and I don't care for my part one little bit. As far as I understand the avuncular protocols, this is who an uncle is, what he must do, and what he must avoid at all costs. Understanding these key facts is absolutely essential... Uncles are members of various extended families by birth or marriage, but only important card-carrying members of three nuclear families: the one they were born into; the one they married into; and the one they conceived and built for their own spouse and children. You will immediately notice that uncles are not uncles in these situations; rather, they are son, son-in-law, and father. These are the most important positions... acknowledged, recognized, significant. What then is an uncle's role? You will need to think long and hard correctly to answer this pivotal question. Here is my response: an uncle's job is to provide quips, jokes, and cheerful remarks at all family gatherings. His political, religious, and (ahem!) sexual views are disdained, unwelcome, to be ignored, cold-shouldered and dismissed without comment as an acute embarrassment to "the family." Next, uncles constitute a help squad to baby sit, expected to assist with household problems and tragedies, and at a moment's notice, too, locate stray pets, and keep warring mates apart until sufficient cooling-off time has elapsed. This role is never discussed but simply expected. Next, and most important, uncles must distribute largesse, and frequently too, on every and all occasions, including (but never limited to) birthdays, Christmas, christenings etc., etc. Giving "a few bucks" to the kiddos who have made him an uncle is not only recommended but taken for granted. The occasions on which such buck-giving is appropriate are endless... and such that we are expected to give. with nothing more than perfunctory thanks in return, if that. Uncles, you see, are to live and breath the well-known (but more honored in the breach) aphorism "It is better to give than to receive"... but must never, ever give more than parents or show these parents up as insufficiently donative. I know whereof I speak... ... one memorable Christmas I bought my darling Niece and Nephew Very Expensive Gifts. My sister immediately called me and Let Me Have It, the crime being I had shown her up to be the most perfect example of penny-pinching frugality ever seen. UnChristmaslike words were uttered on both sides... and recalled in detail to this very day. "Understanding" required. More, we are expected to "understand" our often distant and uncivil nieces and nephews, masters of 24 hour per day texting amongst their age cohorts, unable to find even a handful of such ardent words for us.. This was all borne home to me just the other day, when my "little" sister, now galloping towards Social Security, emailed me. My Nephew Kyle is applying to law school and is having some difficulty writing his personal statement. Per usual, he asked her to ask me to help him. My blazing response, "Have the pup call me himself." He didn't. My sister said I'd "understand". I don't. I never will. And that's why we need to rethink the whole darn business of uncle-hood. A national holiday in our honor would be an admirable start. And a hug or two along the way, and even an occasional random token of affection, would be sublime. I hope we uncles won't be asked to "understand" why it doesn't happen... for we are made for more, much, much more, including dear Uncle Fester.... whose restive spirit and acute umbrage may now rest, the recognition of this problem being the first step towards its early resolution. |
2.png )
