 Author's program note. I am CEO of an extraordinary company called Worldprofit Inc. Since 1994 we have been in the business (and mighty successful, too, I might say) of setting up people worldwide in their own online business. The three partners, Sandi Hunter, president; George Kosch, resident wizard and chief technical officer, and me, in charge of copy, content and public relations are proud of what we've created... proud to the point of wondering why anyone wanting online success and guaranteed profits (if you follow the simple guidelines) wouldn't want to join us and succeed accordingly. When this happens, I am chagrined, irked, disappointed, wondering what I did wrong, master marketer though I am, thus failing to engage with the customer who was actually willing to walk away from the prevailing offer to join, an offer always worth a king's ransom more than the prospect was asked to invest. Invariably while I'm ruminating on the reason for this (to me) incomprehensible matter, one of our ever-present, 24-hour-a-day-live monitors, pipes up to say, "Dr. Lant, you can lead a horse to water..." And I say, as expected, "But you can't make him drink." There the matter ordinarily rests until the next obtuse, obstinate, clueless, hapless customer pops up and digs in, determined to be as difficult and uncooperative as possible. This "explanation" may have been good enough in the past... but is "good enough" no longer, for now I intend to confront the question of why that infernal mammal didn't drink... and what I can do about it, to the eternal benefit of man... horse... and customer. "Happy Trails". To put you in just the right mood for this pace-setting article, the right music is required, the kind of music homesick cowboys warble after a couple of shots late at night, as their best and most loyal friend takes both back to the barn and slumber amidst the hay. And so I give you one of the warmest and best remembered of such tunes, "Happy Trails". Find it now in any search engine; it'll bring back a torrent of happy memories when you were young and innocent, and your biggest problem was how to explain that D minus in math so Dad didn't give you a licking with the wide belt always hanging on the basement wall. The song was written by Dale Evans Rogers and was the theme song for the 1940s and 1950s radio program and the 1950s television show starring Roy Rogers and Dale Evans Rogers. It was always sung over the credits of the program. It was released in 1952 as a 78 RPM and re-issued in 1957 as a 45 RPM record on RCA Victor/Bluebird and immediately became one of the signature songs of the Eisenhower era, when God blessed America. The most talented, cooperative horse ever. Always at the center of this special place with sunny weather and the best people on Earth was a horse, your horse, your best, most trustworthy, always loyal friend, who knew when to nuzzle and when to fly like the wind, always together 'til death do us part, remembered with love, remembered forever. For Roy Rogers -- and for the Great Republic -- that horse was Trigger (1932-1965), originally named Golden Cloud, the magnificent palomino for those of us who didn't have a horse of our own. Trigger, at 15.3 hands (63 inches), was by any reckoning one fine animal, and he and Roy Rogers got on like a house afire after being acquired in 1938. Rogers taught him 150 trick cues, including how to walk up to 50 feet on his hind legs. In due course, with a string of movie credits, Trigger became the most famous horse in film entertainment, even having his own Dell comic book recounting his exploits. Rogers, for instance, made many personal appearances with Trigger in tow. More than once according to his autobiography "Happy Trails", he escorted Trigger up 3-4 flights of stairs to visit with sick children. If only things had finished there... Butcher John L. Jones. When Trigger died in 1965, full of years and honors, perhaps the most famous horse since Incitatus, made consul of Rome by the emperor Caligula, Roy Rogers arranged for Everett Wilkensen of Bischoff's Taxidermy in Los Angeles to preserve him for the ages, a glory to his kind. But butcher John L. Jones had other ideas. Thus was the flesh of the best loved horse of all sold and eaten in various southwestern restaurants against the strict provisions of the Prevention of Food Adulteration Act of 1954, thereby earning the despicable Jones five years in the pokey and universal contempt; frightening horses everywhere. Is it therefore any wonder that when mankind invites them to drink, they demur, decline, distrusting us, no matter how much they need the vital refreshment before them? A beginning, not an end. When people say "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink", they mean this to be the last word on the subject. But it most assuredly is not. The horse ain't drinking. We need to know why and take immediate action to solve the problem... Here are my recommendations: 1) Be sure you're talking to a horse. You say, what can he mean? I know a horse when I see one. But, dear inner-city and suburban reader, you don't. Do you know what a mule is? It's the result of cross breeding horses and donkeys and, with all due respect, you might easily make a mistake. Always be clear about who you're talking to. 2) Particularly if you sell worldwide, understand that the sales process may well be different in one country from another. You need to be sensitive to the prospect's situation and way of doing business. Always ask the horse for the pertinent facts. Never assume you know them. 3) Ask the horse if he's thirsty. If may be that the horse had only recently drunk his fill whilst you were in the bar having one more for the road and oggling the eye candy. Do not presume that you know everything about that horse's situation. Always ask and be prepared to act according to what you hear. You may well be surprised. 4) Be sure the horse knows how hard you've worked to get him water... and the benefits of drinking this essential elixir of life. To achieve this objective you must be willing to take the time and communicate. Horses are remarkable animals, quite capable of advanced communication. Take advantage of this by sitting down, relaxing and slowly but surely advising the horse just what you've got and why it's so valuable for the animal (or the customer). 5) Sweeten the deal. Remember, horses are intelligent, far beyond the condition of most creatures. Thus, if they are turning up their noses at what is before them, it may well be because they have evaluated your offer (water) and found it distinctly wanting. In short, it may well be necessary to increase what you offer until seeming obstinacy becomes happy acceptance. (As a last resort, try offering a very dry martini with two big olives de rigueur.) 6) Give the gift that stimulates action. Have you ever eaten a carrot? No, I'm not kidding you. Do you like salt on them, like I do? Then you know salting carrots leads to needing a good drink. Horses love carrots; you add the salt. Thus by stimulating the need to drink... you will have a horse asking you not for just one drink.... but several more. I guarantee it. 7) Use a special treat to motivate. The biggest mistake is to assume that horse (and customers, too, for that matter) will be happy to take a measly offer far below what you're capable of giving. Whinny frequently; up the ante. You can start with such an offer, if you like, on the principle that you can upgrade it as necessary... or you can study the horse and all his wants and initiate the enhanced offer yourself. Either way, you must be prepared. Always have better offers available so that you're not surprised when you perceive the need for them. 8) Expatiate on all the benefits the horse gets for getting the necessary task out of the way. Paint the most alluring picture possible. Put helium in your voice and bounce in your words. Do not only state but enlarge upon the benefits. As part of your uplifting and motivational presentation make it clear how many other horses are getting ahead of this particular horse for failure to act and act promptly. 9) Call in the experts. If that ol' horse STILL won't drink, call in the professionals, namely a wizard called a horse whisperer. They are truly awesome, as proven by the fact that they get to be the subject of school documentaries and speeches at Toastmasters. As such I imagine they command quite substantial fees... but, depending on how much you are counting on the horse and his tasks, they are worth it. Just make sure they wear that cute cowboy hat and skin tight jeans favored by Kenny Chesney and other Country and Western stars. It makes the horses laugh and that is always a good thing. 10) "Getta horse". If even Step 9 doesn't produce an accommodating beast, you're well and truly up against it. In this case, call the knackers and trade in that tiresome horse for a more dependable jalopy. And in case that breaks down (it happens in even the best families) and some wise acre screams "Getta horse", you can scream back, "I had a horse. And I ate him for lunch today." Mmm Mmm good! |
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